It has been a while since i have posted to this blog, but stay tuned for even though i haven't been posting i was still writing......and furiously.
 So much has changed for me......Let's see see where do i begin......within the last year I have moved to a new state, started working again, divorced my husband, met the man that i have prayed for, and changed jobs. Not all in the that order......
If i have learned anything is live your life for your self and not what others expect of you, bc at the end of the day when you look back on yesterday you can say it was great instead of i wish i would of........

"Grief Is messy"

It has taken me some time to come to terms with the event that I have experienced recently..... In mid march my Grandmother Jackie passed away. Since then I have had a hole in my heart the size of Texas, and find it difficult to understand that she is no longer a phone call away. It kills me, and the only way to express my grief is to pour it out on here....

Every Morning I wake up with the feeling that it was all a dream, but then reality sets in. I don't know how to deal with this overdose amount of pain that is surging through my body on a daily basis. Many nights my husband hears me cry myself to sleep, but doing his best, all he knows how to do is just be there.

Like Everything in life this is just a course that we must go through in order to deal with the issue of grief, so that we then can accept the reality of it to then live your life.

Grief is extremely "messy" we all deal with it differently. I have been unable to escape it. I feel It is because I am trying to hold on to every piece of my grandmother that I can, in order to escape my fear of losing the little piece of her that i still have.... my memories.

I fear that I will forget the softness of her skin, her smell, her smile, her laugh, what she looks like, and the sound of her voice. I find myself many times, praying to God to see her one last time, to tell her how much I love her, miss her, and want her here with me.

To deal with all of this pain, I have been doing some soul searching, and I have found that my grief stems from my regrets, things i wish I said, didn't say, wanted to say. I love my Grandmother, and I know that she is in Heaven, painless, happy, and watching down on me. That is peace I have been able to deal with.

I have truly learned the ultimate lesson, of to NEVER take anyone for granted. I wish that I would have spend more time with her, and been there for her when she needed me. But I didn't spend as much time with her that i wanted to, so I now know that the time that I do have with my love ones that are still here, is time borrowed, for in honor of my grandmother I will spend as much as i can.

How you may wonder, how do you deal with the mess that Grief brings? It's simple. Don't focus on the past, and give to the present. We are all mortals, and the time we do have left is time that we must spend with those we still have here with us. Tell those that you have with you how much you love them everyday! Hug them, kiss them, and remind them of everything that you share.

For in the end, those of the things that I still have left of my grandmother.

As I approach her birthday on Monday April 16, I can not promise that I won't shed a tear, but if I do it will be one filled with happiness, memories, and laughter of all the things that i remember of her, and share with her.

My sweetest morning!!

Here is a little poetry i have been inspired to write! Enjoy!


Let me tell you , about the sweetest morning I ever had,
It begins with : Pitter-Patter of little feet is what i hear in the morn'.
As I let out a big sigh to let her know, all i want to do is snore.
I sneak a peak to see her sweet morning face, i can't help
but reciprocate to her warm embrace.

As she tugs at my comforter and lets out a sweet "mummy",
I can't help but to emerge to make the breakfast that she deserves!
She drags me to the kitchen, with a pancake box in hand. I grab
the equipment needed to make what she has planned.

"Pancakes, please" she yells. Nothing else will do.
I deliver her order quickly without a problem in sight,
as I stare at her beautiful face that is full of delight!

She can't help but squeal, when i present her chocolate milk too,
for her dream breakfast is complete upon the thud of the syrup bottle.

I smile and wonder, if these days will ever fade. Mummy and Layla, i wouldn't
have it any other way! She is the laughter in my heart, and the smile in my soul, who knew i could love anyone like so.

She makes me the best Mummy, a girl could ever have!

Banana Banana Nut Bread

Here is a recipe for all to enjoy!

My Husband has a deep love for Banana Nut Bread, and since the winter season is upon us i have decided to pull on my apron, collect all of my mixing bowls, and gather up my measuring cups and spoons, because it's time to enjoy the

BAKING SEASON


Here is a Marvelous recipe for Banana Banana Nut Bread compliments of:

Chef Joanne Chang of Flour Bakery in Boston


Ingredients:

• 1 2/3 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 cup plus 2 tablespoons sugar
• 2 eggs
• 1/2 cup oil
• 3 1/2 bananas, very ripe, mashed
• 2 tablespoons creme fraiche or sour cream
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 2/3 cup walnuts, toasted and chopped

Directions:

Set oven to 350 degrees F. Line the bottom of a loaf pan with parchment paper.

Sift together the flour, baking soda, cinnamon and salt. Beat sugar and eggs with a whisk until light and fluffy, about 10 minutes. Drizzle in oil. Add mashed bananas, creme fraiche, and vanilla. Fold in dry ingredients and nuts. Pour into a lined loaf pan and bake for about 45 minutes to 1 hour.

*Hint* :
I changed up the recipe a little bit by adding honey glazed nuts to the banana bread batter after you place it in the pan. Lightly sprinkle the nuts on top of the batter so that it sits on the top of the batter. Adding the nuts in the batter i have found makes the nuts sink to the bottom!!

ENJOY!!!

Good bye summer & HELLO WINTER !!!

As i see the falling leaves shower the beautiful walking paths on the woods near my home, a feeling of excitement begins to peak within my heart and soul! Believe it or not i was born on an island in the Caribbean called St. Croix, but i prefer the cold weather that is about 50 degrees and at times depending on my mood below 30 degrees with a light, fluffy shower of snow!! My husbands family is Canadian, and it seems that their love for Hockey, and the cold weather has rubbed off on my daughter and I. We long for the day that we are able to see the first snow hit the tips of the beautiful grassy fields near our house.


The coming of winter and the ending of summer means to me that a time of new loves and memories are about to begin. Now that my daughter is older, she is able to understand the meaning and preparation of Thanksgiving and Christmas. I have made it my goal as a mother to teach her the reasons behind the season. Coming from a cultural family, our kitchen during the Holidays is the main setting for many of the memories that i hold dear to my heart! It has made me very proud and excited to see that my little girl has developed a LOVE for cooking, just as i have, and loves being part of the kitchen atmosphere!! She is always one step behind me and we have even started calling her "Little Chef" like the rat in the Disney movie Ratatouille.























I can't wait to enjoy the AMAZING food that my mother and i will be making ( with the help of my little chef), it is the best part of Thanksgiving! Sitting down as a family and embracing the hard work that went into every dish, makes every bite so much more gratifying!! My goal for this year is to change up a favorite......but in my family that could be a recipe for disaster!! :) Hearing the sweet melody of west Indian music in the background or my favorite Michael Buble CD is all the motivation that we need to make the most delectable, and scrumptious dinner possible!!! My brothers watching the Annual football game on one television while my daughter sitting in the lap of my Husband as they marvel at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade on the other telly are some memories that i look forward to this year!!

Christmas is above all my favorite holiday!! I love the Christmas Carols and going to church to hear the most WONDERFUL story of the birth Christ!!! Spending time with family and the ones you love makes this Holiday the best!! Being with my little family, and then traveling to my parents home, and then to my husbands grandparents is such a great memory of family and comfort that i have and look forward to every year!!

Now that i am a mother i love to sit around the Christmas tree and see the jubilation and the overwhelming excitement that pours out of my daughter as she tears into each gift that she has received from Jesus because she was an excellent girl this year!!!

This year my daughter actually has a list that she wants, and it is possibly the easiest gift list ever!! She has made it clear for the last 5 months that she wants the movie size doll of Buzz Lightyear, Jessie, Woody, Bullyseye the horse, and possibly slink the dog! If you haven't already guessed it, my daughter is OBSESSED with the characters from the movie Toy Story!! Its very cute how she gets excited to see them on the telly when watching the first two movies. The way that she can quote majority of the movie and can tell you who says what and when! I love that passion that she has. My daughter definitely loves with all her heart!!!

So with the changing seasons, many memories will develop and with the out pouring love that we share i can't wait to see the new ones that we will make this coming Holiday season!!!


So the question is for you, the reader, what are your memories that you will make to never forget the ever so quickly changing seasons?

I AM: this is me

I am mother, a women's child, and someone who is loved. I am a Christian who believes in one God who comes from above. I am a sinner who knows how to repent when I am wrong and continue to work everyday on being strong.

I am a writer, a poet, and a musician at heart, these are all a muse for me they are my forms of art. I am headstrong and honest, and i am not afraid to say what i feel, but at least you know where I'm coming from, and its real.

I am stubborn and determined in every possible way, these are my flaws, but at times they are strengths that are here to stay. I am growing and learning every single day, as i continue to mold and shape my life into all that i have prayed.

I am currently going through motherhood, and that's where I'm meant to be. Growing, nurturing, and developing the future makes me happy you see. I am the happiest when i see my daughter, who is the spitting image of me, she is so full of life and constant laughter sometimes i wonder how this could be.

I am always in wonder what passes through her mind, and how she sees the world with a smile on her face all the time. With life's ups and down dancing around her, its hard to believe she can still find laughter. I am in love with how she has made me so carefree, and with that in mind, her + me + my hubby makes me so happy.

I am for certain that all of this is me, take it or leave for what its meant to be.
Their will be no changing any part of me, for i am content with what i see.

Love: Misunderstood

Here is a poem that i have been working on recently. I woke up one morning and poured all of my emotions of my life's recent events onto paper. It was extremely therapeutic, and i many ways inspirational. I haven't written music or poems since High school, so i have decided to go back to my roots on this one.

So now i give you :

Love: Misunderstood

I never really understood why things have to change, but now I know in many ways they will never be the same.

I love you, I love you not is a child's game we play, but now it seems that it has become reality for many these days.

Anger and frustration is all that comes to mind, but I know in sometime it will eventually subside.

What do I say to her, that's my biggest fear. When she ask where u went, I'll do my best to hold back all those tears.

She loved you more than life, I want to let you know. Your the memory behind all of those beautiful photos.

"she'll forget, she'll forget, she's young you see". But does it make it easier on the heart, soul, and mind for you and me?

To not have to whisper that family destroying phrase, Is goal that I yearn and hope for each day.

Why does life have to be so hard, cold, and twisted. Wasn't our life good? Was it something that we said or did to make you not want to miss it?

Seeing all of this makes me really question Love. What is it truly, do we even know?

Is it beautiful memories that we shatter and throw to hell? Or is it promises that we pretend to keep, know all is not well? Or is it running off to be next to those who are only blood deep, because for me silly me I thought Love is all we need.

But for me Love is this beautiful angel face that sleeps next to me. And no matter what I could never shatter her world, even if it meant a sliver of some type of happiness that I seek.

Love for me is sticking it out when times are rough or hard, and knowing that we will always be together, that's what marriage is for.

So as I turn and stare at the setting sun, I take in some of the deep cool air into my lung. I wipe away one lone tear from cheek, standing still not wanting to speak. I then turn to yell out into the world "why" ,as i gaze at the stars in the now dusk sky. Knowing deep down that the answer i seek will never come, but then i turn and smile because a new and better chapter has begun.