It has taken me some time to come to terms with the event that I have experienced recently..... In mid march my Grandmother Jackie passed away. Since then I have had a hole in my heart the size of Texas, and find it difficult to understand that she is no longer a phone call away. It kills me, and the only way to express my grief is to pour it out on here....
Every Morning I wake up with the feeling that it was all a dream, but then reality sets in. I don't know how to deal with this overdose amount of pain that is surging through my body on a daily basis. Many nights my husband hears me cry myself to sleep, but doing his best, all he knows how to do is just be there.
Like Everything in life this is just a course that we must go through in order to deal with the issue of grief, so that we then can accept the reality of it to then live your life.
Grief is extremely "messy" we all deal with it differently. I have been unable to escape it. I feel It is because I am trying to hold on to every piece of my grandmother that I can, in order to escape my fear of losing the little piece of her that i still have.... my memories.
I fear that I will forget the softness of her skin, her smell, her smile, her laugh, what she looks like, and the sound of her voice. I find myself many times, praying to God to see her one last time, to tell her how much I love her, miss her, and want her here with me.
To deal with all of this pain, I have been doing some soul searching, and I have found that my grief stems from my regrets, things i wish I said, didn't say, wanted to say. I love my Grandmother, and I know that she is in Heaven, painless, happy, and watching down on me. That is peace I have been able to deal with.
I have truly learned the ultimate lesson, of to NEVER take anyone for granted. I wish that I would have spend more time with her, and been there for her when she needed me. But I didn't spend as much time with her that i wanted to, so I now know that the time that I do have with my love ones that are still here, is time borrowed, for in honor of my grandmother I will spend as much as i can.
How you may wonder, how do you deal with the mess that Grief brings? It's simple. Don't focus on the past, and give to the present. We are all mortals, and the time we do have left is time that we must spend with those we still have here with us. Tell those that you have with you how much you love them everyday! Hug them, kiss them, and remind them of everything that you share.
For in the end, those of the things that I still have left of my grandmother.
As I approach her birthday on Monday April 16, I can not promise that I won't shed a tear, but if I do it will be one filled with happiness, memories, and laughter of all the things that i remember of her, and share with her.
